Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Life on standby

So, I like this title. It is the title of a song. Decent song, but it is just how I am feeling right now. Now, I will go into sharing mode alright? Ahem, let's begin.

I have been having a lot of questions lately about my faith. I guess Christianity in general. I mean how can we believe in something, someone rather, based on almost no proof. I mean, if God were right here next to me, talking to me as I fill up the screen, then I would have no qualms about believing in Him. Before I get to far, I am in no way discrediting the marvelous works of God, or denying his ever-so-apparent existence; I am just challenged by the whole idea. I mean, trusting all of my faith in one person? God is in no way a "man" so what pronoun do I use in describing Him?

I think that at one point in your life you have to question what you believe in. How do I know that I will wake up in the morning? How do I know that God is there for me? How do I know that He personally is looking after my well-being? I don't know. I BELIEVE that He is. That is all it takes. But, if I challenge these beliefs does that make me a terrible person? Of course not. It makes me human. There have been more than a few times when I have gotten so angry at God that I wanted to toss Him away and never speak to Him again. I think I did it once. After Jacob died. That was the worst time in my life, and I feel shamed to admit it that the only thing keeping me sane was challenging my faith. I would suffer boughts of insomnia, sometimes for days. During these periods of "awakedness" I would peruse my Bible looking for some sort of validation in what Christ had let happen. Finding nothing that suited my needs, I became frustrated, cursing God. Blaming Him for cutting my brothers life short. When in reality, the person I was most angry with was myself.

To the people around me, I was like daffodils. Like a ray of sunshine. The yelp of a puppy being freed from the microwave. However, in my room alone I was a ghost. I could not shed a tear. Instead, I needed reasoning. Sound advice. Physical proof. I became depressed. Not clinically depressed, but so depressed that I wanted to do nothing. I think that having this feeling saved me, and made me me again.

I found out that we interpret scripture the way we want it to mean. We jumble the meanings up, and find validity that yes, it is ok to covet your neighbor (not really...just an example). This should not come as a crisis of faith because the Bible is an inspiration of God. There is nothing wrong with scripture. The problem comes in the interpretation. If we reapproach our faith through scripture, then our faith will grow. This is what I did. I began at the beginning. The beginning when God said "Let there be light" and kept reading.

Through my readings I fell in love with this book. I guess re-fell in love. I found that by challenging my faith made it stronger. That was the validation that I was looking for. I found out that if I am content with my faith, then something is wrong. I think we all are like that. Things can always become stronger. If on the grand scale of 1-10, I would have ranked my faith and beliefs on around a 7. Now however, I am shooting for 59! I need more! I challenge everything in my life. I guess this is one of the things that I have learned from being in college. It is always hard to always look at the glass at being half full. Sometimes, during those times when the glass is half empty, comes the best questions. Why do I question the magnitude of God, but do not think twice about the reasoning behind the scientific method? Or the validity of the way America was created and formed? Why is lifes biggest question always so hard to answer? That is actually an easy answer: if being a Christian was easy then there would be way more believers. That question of "why" and that need to know more will be always present. I will begin to worry if it fades away.

This is what we have lost sight of. People constantly defend God, as it should be. But, the ones that are so head-strong in doing so, have you taken a look at your life? Are you absolutely certain about everything? I, for one, am not. Nor will I ever be.

I may sound bitter and contradictory, but I am just stating something that has been on my mind a lot lately. These thoughts probably began around mid-December and have been with me ever since. This semester, I feel different. I feel as if there is something missing. For some reason, at the start of every semester I feel like this. It lasts a while and then I find peace. Now, I am embracing that feeling on there actually being something missing. I have it out in plain sight. I want to find out everything.

Right now, one of my favorite passage of scripture comes from 1 Peter 1:7-10.
"These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I love this. Does it answer every question that I have? No. Does it make strengthen my faith? You betcha. I love how God throws scripture at us, and it always seems to go with the way we feel. How awesome is that? This passage speaks to me. It makes me love Him more and more each day. I want to learn more. I want to strengthen my relationship with Him. I want Him.

So, this blog was an interesting one. I decided to go with it. I was hesitant about sharing this, but it is out there now. How exciting! So, that is all for now. Good night guys!

1 comment:

Judith said...

My friends have encouraged me to experience God's power, love and truth. Ask God to allow you to experience those each day and it will change the way you see Him, share Him and know Him. Thanks for your honesty.