Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Life on standby

So, I like this title. It is the title of a song. Decent song, but it is just how I am feeling right now. Now, I will go into sharing mode alright? Ahem, let's begin.

I have been having a lot of questions lately about my faith. I guess Christianity in general. I mean how can we believe in something, someone rather, based on almost no proof. I mean, if God were right here next to me, talking to me as I fill up the screen, then I would have no qualms about believing in Him. Before I get to far, I am in no way discrediting the marvelous works of God, or denying his ever-so-apparent existence; I am just challenged by the whole idea. I mean, trusting all of my faith in one person? God is in no way a "man" so what pronoun do I use in describing Him?

I think that at one point in your life you have to question what you believe in. How do I know that I will wake up in the morning? How do I know that God is there for me? How do I know that He personally is looking after my well-being? I don't know. I BELIEVE that He is. That is all it takes. But, if I challenge these beliefs does that make me a terrible person? Of course not. It makes me human. There have been more than a few times when I have gotten so angry at God that I wanted to toss Him away and never speak to Him again. I think I did it once. After Jacob died. That was the worst time in my life, and I feel shamed to admit it that the only thing keeping me sane was challenging my faith. I would suffer boughts of insomnia, sometimes for days. During these periods of "awakedness" I would peruse my Bible looking for some sort of validation in what Christ had let happen. Finding nothing that suited my needs, I became frustrated, cursing God. Blaming Him for cutting my brothers life short. When in reality, the person I was most angry with was myself.

To the people around me, I was like daffodils. Like a ray of sunshine. The yelp of a puppy being freed from the microwave. However, in my room alone I was a ghost. I could not shed a tear. Instead, I needed reasoning. Sound advice. Physical proof. I became depressed. Not clinically depressed, but so depressed that I wanted to do nothing. I think that having this feeling saved me, and made me me again.

I found out that we interpret scripture the way we want it to mean. We jumble the meanings up, and find validity that yes, it is ok to covet your neighbor (not really...just an example). This should not come as a crisis of faith because the Bible is an inspiration of God. There is nothing wrong with scripture. The problem comes in the interpretation. If we reapproach our faith through scripture, then our faith will grow. This is what I did. I began at the beginning. The beginning when God said "Let there be light" and kept reading.

Through my readings I fell in love with this book. I guess re-fell in love. I found that by challenging my faith made it stronger. That was the validation that I was looking for. I found out that if I am content with my faith, then something is wrong. I think we all are like that. Things can always become stronger. If on the grand scale of 1-10, I would have ranked my faith and beliefs on around a 7. Now however, I am shooting for 59! I need more! I challenge everything in my life. I guess this is one of the things that I have learned from being in college. It is always hard to always look at the glass at being half full. Sometimes, during those times when the glass is half empty, comes the best questions. Why do I question the magnitude of God, but do not think twice about the reasoning behind the scientific method? Or the validity of the way America was created and formed? Why is lifes biggest question always so hard to answer? That is actually an easy answer: if being a Christian was easy then there would be way more believers. That question of "why" and that need to know more will be always present. I will begin to worry if it fades away.

This is what we have lost sight of. People constantly defend God, as it should be. But, the ones that are so head-strong in doing so, have you taken a look at your life? Are you absolutely certain about everything? I, for one, am not. Nor will I ever be.

I may sound bitter and contradictory, but I am just stating something that has been on my mind a lot lately. These thoughts probably began around mid-December and have been with me ever since. This semester, I feel different. I feel as if there is something missing. For some reason, at the start of every semester I feel like this. It lasts a while and then I find peace. Now, I am embracing that feeling on there actually being something missing. I have it out in plain sight. I want to find out everything.

Right now, one of my favorite passage of scripture comes from 1 Peter 1:7-10.
"These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I love this. Does it answer every question that I have? No. Does it make strengthen my faith? You betcha. I love how God throws scripture at us, and it always seems to go with the way we feel. How awesome is that? This passage speaks to me. It makes me love Him more and more each day. I want to learn more. I want to strengthen my relationship with Him. I want Him.

So, this blog was an interesting one. I decided to go with it. I was hesitant about sharing this, but it is out there now. How exciting! So, that is all for now. Good night guys!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Best Blog EVER!! Or not...whatever

So, I think I have lost some readers. Poor me. Oh well, I don't really care. Honestly. Come back to me!!! Or not. Man. I am full of contradictions. So let's begin:

My computer has been out of commision since starting school. Apparently I had a few viruses on my laptop, so the technology department fixed it for me. Thank God I didn't have to pay for it. Well, technically I am paying for it with tuition and such, so, umm, yeah. So, that is my excuse for not updating more. Plus, I'm lazy. Yeah, that's about it.

Classes are going pretty awesome. 18 hours sure takes it toll. Quickly. I'm really liking the classes I'm taking, and they seem to be somewhat interesting. But I really don't want to do any work. Hum... However, I had to buy 22 books for only 5 out of 6 classes. Crazyness! Here is the breakdown: Fine Arts: 0; horray! Victorian England: 1; cheer! Ethical Christian Living: 2; not so bad! Civil War and Reconstruction: 3; ehh. African American Literature: 11; WHAT!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? 'Fraid not, sister! Advanced Composition: 5; the nerve! This is driving me absolutely crazy. Plus, most of these are novels that I have not read. Nor have I wanted to. Alas, I will be reading a lot, and not books that I want to read. Or maybe I won't read. Haven't decided yet. I hate that. Ah, well. "All's fair in lo..." Never mind.
LST is off to a running start. Isn't that how everybody starts running? Ok, that was ignorant. I had to get up in front of the whole school and give a chapel announcement Monday about LST and all that entails. Mandy spoke first, and then when my turn came...something came out. Not sure what, but it may have made sense. That's not the point, the point is that the podium I was speaking into (think about it...) began to move. Nonchalantly I said "oh, it has wheels." I then moved it back to its starting position and said "how clever." Idiot, I know. The auditorium/audience erupted in laughter. Ok, more like simmered. I was wondering what they were laughing at, because I was not funny. Eh, it's all good. So, to sum up the opening sentence: LST is a go for me this summer. How excited am I? Extremely. Any adjective that describes excitement insert here.

Like I have mentioned just a few sentences ago, I am taking an Advanced Composition class, and it is pretty cool. The class, however, is creative non-fiction, and I am not a fan of non-fiction. Not as much as fiction anyway. The thing with non-fiction is that you cannot "extend" the truth, per se. It has to be completely true, so I tend to walk a tight line on that. I know, I'm a terrible person.
In this class, we have to do daily journal entries. So far, we have had to write about many numerous things, and then we have to read our entries aloud to the class (mind you, 11 students). I don't know about you, but my life is utterly boring, so in my journal, I like to "kick it up a notch" if you know what I'm saying. Point being: I lie. So now, I have to keep two journals, one just for me, and the other to apparently share with my peers.
Plus, the prof looks like the Harry Potter character Professor Trewalney (sp?) from "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban." Emma Thompson's cool (the actress that plays her).

Is that a word? Oh well, I don't care.
How excited am I that Mr. Hugh Laurie won his second Golden Globe for his portrayal of Dr. Gregory House, on the television show of that name! Plus, his exceptance speech was the best of the evening. Here is an excerpt that I especially loved: "…I must thank my wonderful fellow actors on House and thank my wonderful writers & producers and the truly wonderful crew. I know everyone says they have a wonderful crew but that can’t be the case. They can’t all be wonderful. Somebody somewhere is working with a crew of drunken thieves. But it’s not me. They are really wonderful collection of people and I am privileged to spend my days in their company. They smell of newly mown grass..." He is so witty and awesome. The entire speech was brilliant, but this part was funny. I laughed. Watch HOUSE every Tuesday night. It rocks.
Going back to Japan makes me excited. So excited that I could care less about schoolwork.
Turning 21 years old makes me happy. February 14th, here it comes!
Good pizza makes me excited. And ice cream. Mix 'em man!

I love that word.
So, since this is suppose to be the BBE (Best Blog Ever) it has to drag a little long.
I am going to go see "The Queen" this weekend and write a movie review about it for the school paper. I've heard good things. It might be tough to do if it's not playing in Lubbock though...
Sometimes, I feel lost, or out of place. Almost as if we are all on a tennis court and everybody else has a cool racket and I have a salmon. Seems unfair huh? Sorry, not really sure what I am talking about.
My New Year's resolution was to update more often. Not looking so good, huh?
Antidisestablimentarianism. I probably botched the spelling, but I like that word. It makes me sound smart. Or dumb. Whichever works for you.
I trip a lot. I was walking out of class the other day and I tripped on a tiny pebble. Or maybe my shadow. They look alike. Wait...no they don't. Never mind. It's late. I'm tired.
"Au contraire, mon fre`re!" Does that make me sound smarter? Huh? Came up with that all by me self too. Did I get the spelling right? Oh well, I'm proably misspelling every third word. I think I misspelled misspelled. Or not. I have no clue what's going on.

All good things must end, I been told. This is no exception. I'm not really sure what the point of this post is. Who cares. I updated, be happy. So, I will leave you with three questions I was most recently asked (crazy roommates!):

What time do you have to be at work tomorrow? 5:00 P.M.
Why are you still writing? Because it is going to be the BBE! And I can't help myself.
Do you think they're still reading? I'm sure I lost them all before they finished the first section. Also, it's late here, but somewhere it's early and they could just be beginning to read this.

Also, my favorite ever:
"Jordan, how are you?" Jordan's typical response: "I great, how are you?" Honestly, no less than a dozen times a day. I'm flattered really, but people, throw in some adverbs and adjectives! Spice it up. "What's hangin' homeslice?" See, that is an appropriate question with an appropriate response "Not much, G, Dawg,man, homie!" Yuck. I can't pull off the gansta language. Not sure why I tried.
So, our journey must reconvene for a while here. But, until we meet again...

End note because I love this quote. It's from "V For Vendetta":
VoilĂ ! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
Quite possible, the best quote EVER in a movie.
Good night for real this time.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

so, long time!

I can not find any paper to write on so I decided to share my thoughts with all of you. One rule: no questions please. This is my brain, and no one is allowed to pick my brain except for me. And possibly a tapeworm. But that is a diferent story.

Where do I begin? I feel great. Great great. Great like finding a clean pair of socks when you thought they were all dirty, but not as great as finding two prizes in your cereal box. It will happen one day! I need to get better analogies. Anyways, I think that 2007 will be awesome. The year is looking up.

School begins soon and how excited am I? Very. Extremely. Not because I am taking 18 hours of difficult classes, but because that puts me one step closer to graduating. When you might ask (hey, no questions!)? No clue. I'm shooting to graduate before 2010. Would be nice.
Being that it is now 2007, I feel older. Of course I feel older. Geez. These analogies have got to go. Before the year fades into oblivion, I want to do something crazy. Things like sky dive, get my toothache fixed, fly a helicopter, or even wash my car. I think I can manage one of those things by December. I'll let you know. One thing I do want to do is lose weight. I have never been this heavy, and I need to get it under control. My clothes are too tight and I can't afford new ones. This task will be hard because I am lazy, unmotivated, and a student. You can't make me! Sorry, that was a rant that was completely unnessary. I totally spelt unnessesary are unnessary. I like it. I'm going to keep it. Deal with it.

I do hope to expand my literary collection. I never have time to read. Granted, I spend all my free time on the 'net or watching Scrubs, but you get the point. Anyways, I hope to read more. Reading does wonders for your imagination (and mine as well!). Iamgine a land far, far away. A land ruled by pigeons, ran by beavers, and humans are nonexistent. OK, so if that's the case, it will be terrible. I'll come up with somethig better later. I'm tired.

Right now, I am reading a fantastical book entitled "The Gun Seller". From the opening line ("Imagine that you had to break someone's arm. How would you do it?") I was hooked. The plot is very Bond-ish, tons funnier (funnier? hmm, oh well, I'm keeping it), and a joy to read. I fell in love with the book before I knew who wrote it. The author of said book is none other than British actor/comedian/writer/musician/ all-around-cool-guy Hugh Laurie. You know, the dude famous for the American accent on the television show House. Yup! That's him. Who da thunk that he was a writer. Nevertheless a good one. Great one. His witticism and humo(u)r is fantastic. The book is extremely well written and positively funny (as opposed to negatively? hmm...interesting). Check it out. A prerequisite- you might want to know a little about British humo(u)r, mannerisms, and way of life. Or not. Whatever. It's up to you.

I cheated. I have a new favorite television show. This show is so much better than Grey's Anatomy in so many ways. Hosue is one of those rare shows that everything fits. The writing rocks, the actors have immense talent, and the plots are intriguing. I feel like I have been duped. What was I thinking!?! How could I have like Grey's so much. Ech. Oh well. You all should watch the curmedgenly misanthrope Dr. House with his team of "Cottages" hehe every Tuesday on Fox. You will not be disapointed. Maybe you will be. I don't know.

Well, I need to do push-ups and eat some cookies. This means that my brain has been picked and I have nothing else to share. Or maybe the rest is just to personal and I do not want people investigating my life. But you decide. Yes. YOU! Get going.
Take care, and...goodbye. Sorry. I know, the ending is terrible, but can you really tell me what ending of whatever is not? That's what I thought. Good night.

Great book: The Gun Seller
Great song: She's Everything by Brad Paisley
Great wall: China
Great adjective: great
Sorry, that was random. Gotta go.