Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Come What May

The beginning is always the hardest. And then comes the middle where you expect there to be some sort of momentary lapse, but nothing happens. It only gets more difficult. The end comes next and you know that if you can only get past it then things will be complete. You reach the climax and everything sorts of falls out of place. It's as if I am trying to solve the Mad Hatter's riddle and can come up with nothing, knowing full well that there is no answer available.

I figured that since I am getting close to graduating that I would be excited. What is the opposite of excited? That's what I am. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, and this scares me to no end. You see, the thing is my life is only beginning. I am about to start my life. Sure, I am almost 22 and most say life begins at the point of conception, but I will have to disagree. I mean, for about 19 years all I have ever done is school. That is it. Pretty much the only thing that I have ever commited to. My entire life all I have known is school, so what comes next? More school is always an option, I guess. But that means even more money.

I have faith that the pieces will fall together so perfectly that life can only be explained by my doings.

The thing is, I am all too often scared. Scared that I will fail at life. Scared that I will not will find my true potential, whatever that may be. Scared that I go my way and not His way. I need faith. I need strengthening. I need peace.

I am finding myself already behind this semester. Having to read over 100 pages a night takes it toll, especially when I am not reading nearly enough. Having a paper due every class period. Two jobs is not cutting it, and I feel as if a third would be too much.

It takes a lot to get me stressed, but this, whatever it is, is coming in waves. Stress? Vehemence? Apathy? Who knows.

1 comment:

mom said...

Hang in there baby. God will show you the way, trust in him. I love you and i know that you will make the right choice.

Love, Mom