Tuesday, April 03, 2007

An Unsolved LCU Mystery


As many of you know, I am a reporter and writer for LCU's newspaper The Duster Today. It is pretty cool. I get to do fun stories. This new one, however, has been one of my favorites. Check it out:


An Unsolved LCU Mystery, by Jordan Williams staff writer

As students came back from Spring Break, most of them noticed a change in the McDonald Moody Auditorium. Adorning the stage were numerous trophies. Many took no notice because on that particular Monday Dr. Fredenburg incorporated the mysterious trophies into his speech. However, after a few days passed, then a week, students began to talk and ask questions. The mysterious trophies became great campus gossip, and this reporter had to get to the bottom of the situation at hand.
Being the investigative reporter that I am not, I decided to find out exactly where these trophies came from. The trophies are all SIFE trophies dating back from the late 70’s to present day. Why exactly were the trophies on the stage to begin with? Ah, here is where the story really begins.
Apparently, the Moody was not the first sighting of these mysterious trophies. Mr. John Wayne Head had a few friends to join him for a few weeks as the trophies made a temporary home surrounding the ginormous sculpture. While there, the trophies seemed as if they were guarding the famous cowboy and keeping him safe from the Library Ghost From the Fourth Floor. The trophies, however, did not seem to like their new home so they wandered onto the stage of the Moody and that is where they have last been sighted.
According to an informant that wishes to remain anonymous, the trophies were put there as a test. A test to see who would notice. The informant, whom we will call “Hamper” had this idea while in a certain class on campus. “Hamper” said that the professor was the one that actually suggested a fitting tribute to The Duke, and the class voted on the trophies. What an odd tribute. I would have thought maybe a giant mirror so he could look at himself all day, sort of like a parakeet, or even something simple as a necktie. Both of those would have been appropriate tributes, but I guess the trophies won by a three-fourths decision.
“Hamper” went on to elaborate that the trophies became bored because not enough students noticed their presence. They made the long trek to the Moody where they could preside in front of the entire student body. They would count the number of students enrolled at LCU, subtract that number from the amount of people in the audience, and add that number to the empty seats and would wind up counting all day. Being a trophy is not an easy job.
The trophies were extremely tight-lipped about the entire situation. One trophy, winner for something back in 1986, had a staring contest with me, and I ultimately lost. Not a single one would answer my questions; boy, these guys were trained well.
Anyway, this reporter dug deeper and spoke to another informant, we will call this one “Dandelion.” “Dandelion” reports that the premise of the trophy disbursement was by the philosophy that “if you act like you know what you are doing then nobody will say anything to you.” That, my readers is how it is. Try it, its fun. For example, I walked around on campus holding a nine iron and a volleyball while wearing a rabbit mask while dancing to “Bye Bye Bye” and nobody asked me what was going on. Same concept, same results.
So my readers, this journalist did a mediocre job at uncovering this LCU mystery. However, my task has failed because the trophies are now MIA. They were last spotted Thursday during chapel, and failed to report back to the stage Monday morning to active duty. If you have any news regarding the whereabouts of these trophies please contact “Hamper” or “Dandelion” and they will find a new home for these missing trophies. The trophies will not be punished for disobeying orders, this reporter and my informants just want them safe and unharmed. Thank you in advance.


It was my class that was involved in this incident! Muahahaha! It was pretty fun. Now, we are thinking about taking the trophies and placing them on every step in the CDC building (Bible building). It will be great.

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