Thursday, March 01, 2007

Self-esteem and Humility

Can these two go together? I mean, really? Can they? I've been thinking about this lately. I have all the self-esteem in the world, but yet I am not content. I worry that I will come off too prideful; too arrogant. I worry that people will become jealous of me. I'm not sure why. God created me, Jordan Danai Williams, and there is only one me.
Anything that I do is never good enough. When I write essays and research papers for school I put them off until the last possible minute so that I will not stress over them and butcher them because they are not good enough. Most likely, I will delete all the content and begin fresh, thus making the papers late. I have a self-deprecating aura about me, and I fear that I will become an egomanical twit if I commend myself. I mean, what have I done worry of an accomodation? Just wondering.
Right now, life is wonderful. Could not be happier. My faith is the strongest it has ever been. My life is perfectly in balance for the first time on months. I am getting good grades without even trying. I am poor in the wallet, but rich in spirit, and I don't care. I eat disgusting cafeteria food daily, and I smile. Family is great. I have wonderful loving friends. It is times like these that I get scared. I get scared that people get jealous of me. I get scared that they sneer down before me and try to pull me off of my high horse. I feel their wrath upon me. Daily. They are jealous that I get good grades without trying. They are jealous with my relationship with Christ. They are jealous of my so-called perfect life. News flash, my life is far from perfect, and I like it that way. All of my struggles have made me that much stronger, and for that I have Him to be thankful for.
I get embarrased when my mom brags about me. It is times like those that I want to hide my face and run into a hole. All of my accolades and awards ar pretty much just a piece of paper to me. Maybe fifteen years from now I can look back at that award with pride and respect, but not now. Now, all I see is teamwork. I owe everything in my life to God. Never have I been alone in anything. Ever. The awards I received in high school were done by him, and not me. He deserves them and not me. It is very late, so I'm not sure if I am making any sense.
I hate talking about myself. I hate my hair. I hate my writing. I hate reading my writing. I hate hearing my own voice. I hate seeing my work displayed for all to see. I hate that I have a burning passion to buy a movie the day it comes out. I hate being told what to do. I hate being told what to read. I hate the word hate. I never use unless I am talking about myself. Why is that? I find this odd.
In a normal conversation, I prefer the other person do the talking. People fascinate me. I can sit and listen to people talk for hours. I want to know everything, but I am too afraid to ask questions. When it is my turn to speak however, I turn the conversation off of me. Hmm....not sure why.
I think that is why I am not 100% sure of what I want to do with my life when I graduate. I want to have a normal "behind the scenes" job. But what is normal? How do I define normal? Normal to me is a job with no glitz or glam. No glory. Is mediocre a good term? I did not want to be a doctor because I was afraid I would feel to pompous. I did not want to be an investigative journalist because I do not want the glory of uncovering a huge story. Things like that. I look now and I find it absurd. Not sure why. I would be perfectly content with spending my life in a stuffy room doing book editing for a mid-sized southern publishing company. If I ever do complete my book, I would be hard pressed to write it under a pen name. I have been asked to be the editor next year for the school paper, but even though it would be an honor, I do not feel interested. I feel that Bree is better qualified and would make an awesome editor, so I will not throw my hat into the ring. Things like this. I am absolutely content with things like this. Call me a push over, I don't care. "Sticks and stones, love." HA!! I finally got to throw in a Pirates of the Caribbean quote. Score! I am deathly afraid that my true nerdiness will avail itself and I will be thrown into a deep, dark, dank, well.
So, I said all that to say this: I think that living with humility is a good thing. A great thing. However, too much of it can ruin a person. Am I too self-deprecating? Do I sound depressed? Well, I am not. I LOVE my life!!!! Who-hoo. Could not be happier. Things are great. Plus, I am super giddy because spring break is slowly dwelling upon us. Dwelling sounds like a sad, scary word. I should use another adjective. How about looming? slammin'? Ok, I will get back to you on that one. It is now a little after 3:00 a.m. and I have just yawned. I now have 5.9 minutes before I am crashed out for good. The computer chair is not comfortable to sleep in. Well, that is about all. My room has a faint mesquite/smoky smell to it. I sprayed some body spray a while ago to mask the smell, but it did not help. I am too lazy to investigate. I don't really care actually. The bed is looking mighting tempting and I only have 3.4 minutes left.
So I will end.
Currently listening : Artist's Choice: Ray Charles By Ray Charles Release date: By 01 January, 2003

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