Tuesday, April 15, 2008

i watched the proverbial sunrise

There is some sort of satisfying feeling in owning your own DVD. I'm not sure why, but I enjoy buying movies. One can say I am addicted. I recently started a new third job solely to expand my current DVD collection. OK, not the only reason (gas, food, rent, water, etc.) but you get the point.

My name is Jordan and I have a problem. I cannot stop. This month alone I have bought nine DVDs. NINE! But, they are all used, so you know, I can justify my spending...in a way.

I have no problem buying a used DVD. I think it has character. You see, not only do I buy the used DVD, I also come up with an elaborate back story to who the previous owner/s was/were. Take, for example the few movies I recently bought:

Emma: Thomas and Emily just ended their two year relationship. Emily somehow left her copy of Emma at Thomas's house, having only watched it once. She knew Thomas was not an Austen fan, so she did not want to bother him with that "trash." Thomas wanted to rid his apartment of all things Emily so he went to Hasting's and traded Emma for Die Hard or some other masculine movie. He realized that John McClane was nothing special and never finished the mediocre flick. He immediately began to miss looking at Gwyneth Paltrow aiming an arrow at his skull.

Serenity: I have a feeling that an older woman, Mrs. Bates, bought the movie solely for the title alone. After losing her husband of 37 years, she needed a sense of sereneness; tranquility. Apparently the giant space ship (named Serenity) and Nathan Fillion shooting a laser gun did not catch Mrs. Bates's cataract ridden eyes. She finished the movie, only because she fell asleep ten minutes in.

Arrested Development Season 2: See, this one took a while. I mean, I cannot understand why someone would sell this amazing series. Makes no sense to me. I figured the only way this would be on the used rack is because someone was not smart enough to get all the subtle jokes. I image some high school kid, lets call him David, tried watching the show (start with season 1, dude) and just did not get it. I mean, this season contained the most elaborate jokes I have ever seen. Very brief rundown: Matriarch of the Bluth family is Lucille 1 (Liza Minelli plays Lucille 2 who briefly dates Buster). She has four children -- GOB (pronounced Job), twins Michael and Lindsey and the youngest son Buster. GOB inadvertently marries a seal trader (yes, she trades seals....live seals) and is left in charge of caring for them as she does a tour in Iraq. Lucille volunteered paranoid Buster for the Army, much to his disappointment. Buster is trying to find ways to get out of the Army and has failed to succeed. Lucille is having an affair with her imprisoned husband's twin brother (who may or may not be Buster's real father) and this angers Buster. Buster (who is at least 30) is not allowed to swim in the ocean. He defies his mother and swims alone in the ocean. An onlooker shouts from the beach "Loose seal, watch out, loose seal!" Buster responds by saying he no longer cares about Lucille. Next thing we know the loose seal bites off his hand. The same seal GOB was supposed to be watching. Buster gets a hook for a hand and able to get out of going into the Army. Now, this entire joke took about 13 episodes to complete. Anyway, David traded Arrested Development in for The Simpsons. Ehh.

Finally: Running With Scissors: Emily bought this movie for her three year old daughter, thinking it was some sort of teaching tool. It was not some sort of teaching tool. Emily decided to keep the movie for a while because she liked Gwyneth Paltrow and some reason her copy of Emma was lost many years ago. She decides to abandon the movie and cook chicken fettucini with green peppers while she teaches her daughter not to run with scissors. Apparently coloring on walls and shoving the seven month old baby into the dryer are alright in Emily's house, but scissor running is not permitted. It must be said that Emily works from home, i.e. house wife, while her husband sells insurance for a living. No, changed my mind, he works for Bob Loblaw: Attorney at Law.

1 comment:

mom said...

funny, very funny. it;s about time!

love you, mom